Let Me Eat Cake

It's always a fun time when I'm going about my life, feeling a rare bit of confidence in myself, only to feel slapped in the face by someone's offhand comment. In this case, it was a meme someone tagged me in on Facebook, making me seem like a pig for wanting to finish people's food when we go out. I wasn't sure how to react, but the slice of cake in front of me suddenly felt very conspicuous. I lowered it slowly, setting it to the side in what I hoped was a casual way.

Usually, I have no problem admitting I love food and devouring any dessert that's offered. But it's comments like those that bring me back to my older self, as I relive each time I despised the flesh that clings to my body. I'll think of the time when I was thirteen and thought I achieved perfection because the numbers on the scale had plummeted and the bones on my body protruded. Or I'll remember when I wanted to treat myself to whipped cream on my coffee during one early morning shift, and my co-worker blurted, "So that's why you have such a big booty." As she walked away, I tipped the cup over and let its contents spill down the drain. I still think of the times my roommates teased me for finishing my big bag of animal crackers so quickly and how my nerves would shoot up whenever I'd reach for a snack if they were in the room.

Most days, I don't have to think through how I eat or if people are watching me eat, but even the slightest nudge like a meme on Facebook can send me into a relapse. I left the room ignoring the hunger that still nibbled at my stomach and considered the old option of denying myself food. Maybe then, people would be worried about me instead of judging me. The temptation comes around so often, reminding me that it would be so easy not to eat, so easy to reacquaint myself with the feeling of hunger until it becomes a welcome ache that inhabits my belly. There are days when I wonder what I would say to my thirteen-year old self, feeling like I would have to justify why my bones no longer stick out and why I can't fit into the smaller jeans.

All these thoughts simmer beneath the surface, threatening to boil over. So no, I wasn't trying to overreact when I didn't find the meme to be the most hilarious thing in my life. No, I wasn't trying to be a kill-joy when I left the room. I merely needed to turn down the heat because the thoughts were bubbling up. But other thoughts were reminding me that I didn't need to respond how I usually do. Even if people throw their thoughtless words on me, I don't need to let them stick. So after letting a tear or two fall and venting to my sister(thanks), I went back to the room and retrieved my plate. I will never understand why people feel entitled to comment on another person's body - and I'm sure there are many more ways that thoughtlessness hurts people that I hope I don't do. And I'm sure that this won't be the last time someone will make the astute observation that I enjoy food. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep eating my cake.