Thanks a Million

It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve stopped sweating uncontrollably. This development happened to coincide with my departure from Thailand, but that’s not the only thing that has changed since being back. At the beginning of the semester, I promised transparency, which I have worked towards in my thoughts about the culture, the people, and the land that become home these past four months. But I don’t think I’ve been as forthcoming about my feelings in general. So, here goes.

The prospect of returning to the United States never exactly gave me a thrill. I’ve been in situations before when I have appreciated the time away from home, but was ready to return to my zone of comfort when my time away expired. This was not one of those times. Saying goodbye to the women I saw every day, whose love communicated through language barriers, put a damper even on free airplane food. Even with the week of debrief leading up to our return trip, I couldn’t fully anticipate how I would feel when the finality of it all slid into place. At the beginning, I’d been eager for my abstract musings to convert into concrete experiences. Now, I watched helplessly as the process worked again to transform months of growth and happiness into a new abstract realm of memory. Since then, I've tried coping. I’ve been aggressively posting pictures on social media as an attempt to hold on to the remnants of this recent yet already distant time when I felt at home, like I belonged.

But denial, one of the stages of grief we discussed in debriefing, only lasts so long. Besides, I’ve been feeling like I need to put a lesson into practice. During my time in Thailand, God showed me how to act with whatever was right in front of me. I’m no longer staring at the array of flowers, the colorful songthaew trucks that roamed up and down the highways, or the people who experienced all of this with me. Instead, I’ve felt on edge as I notice differences all around me. I heard someone toss out “Third world country” in reference to my most recent home, and my rage kindles beneath the surface because how could people be so ignorant of all the riches Thai people have? They are rich in smiles, rich in kindness. How could people not realize how irrelevant those narrow-minded and stereotypical terms are compared to the rest of what this country is? Of course, the answer is that they couldn’t. They weren’t there. I was. And now I’m back and facing the task of revealing these beauties I saw.

I learned a lot about how negative I can be when faced with challenges, but also about how those difficulties can begin to feel beloved as they’re absorbed with a patient and adaptable heart. So this time, coming back to the States, I’m making a different choice. I think I’m going to go ahead and be positive. Even as I type, I’m internalizing laughter at how unrealistic that sounds. Okay. Maybe I won’t be completely positive, but I can commit to an honest attempt at seeing the whole of life instead of just the bad. Only a couple of weeks back and I’ve unfortunately already failed at this attempt many times. I saw, with humiliation and frustration, how quickly I defaulted to anger rather than grace when noticing that someone didn’t understand. I’ve realized that when transitioning back to old environments, ignorance is inevitable. Irritation is inevitable. And what’s humbling is that this truth exists on both sides meaning I’m just as likely to house those traits. The sooner I can accept that, the sooner I can get past the fact that people will never be able to fully comprehend my thoughts but I can still offer them a glimpse.

That’s what I’ve tried to offer you – you, who have been patient and persistent enough to read my stumbling thoughts. While I can’t promise that I’ll ever master blogging – partly because I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be – I do hope I’ve been true to this experience, even if I conveyed it through a somewhat jumbled and inconsistent flow of thought. Props to you for making it to the end, which is where we are. I appreciate the support I’ve received from people who have subscribed or just merely read over a post or two. Even though my journey in Thailand is over, my blogging days are not, so I will keep posting to this site in the future. My next venture brings me to Seattle, WA for the summer, where I’ll be sharing my thoughts and experience again, so unsubscribe now or forever receive my emails. (Just kidding. You can unsubscribe if and whenever you feel like it. But you shouldn’t. Because I have a feeling God will do some pretty dandy things, and I want to share that). Thanks to all. It’s been a good time.

(*Not an actual representation of the author)

#thailand #debrief #learning #grow #gif